The recent Iowa Republican Caucus kicked off Presidential Election Season. The NFL Playoffs will kick off on Saturday. When watching the historically close Caucus victory by Republican favorite Mitt Romney overt upstart candidate Rick Santorum, I thought about how President Obama must love sitting back watching all of these candidates politically pound each other, knowing that he’ll only have to face one battered and bruised candidate by the time the General Election rolls around. In that sense, he is like the New England Patriots or the Green Bay Packers. While both of these teams have flaws, like Obama, they still have an easier path to the Super Bowl, by virtue of a bye this week where they get to watch their future opponents pound each other into submission for 60 minutes, and then home field advantage until the Super Bowl. So, without further ado, what Presidential candidates do the rest of the NFL playoff teams most resemble?
As GOP Candidates duke it out, Obama's preparing diligently
Rick Santorum = Denver Broncos: Early in the campaign season, Rick Santorum did not stand a chance. Then he fired up the Evangelical GOP base in Iowa, and suddenly he is in the thick of the action, but he’s not going to win. The Broncos started the season slowly, then the Tim Tebow phenomenon happened and the Broncos are in the playoffs. Both Tebow and Santorum are outspoken about their religious beliefs. They are also both very outspoken Pro-Lifers. Let’s just hope that Tebow doesn’t come out and compare homosexuality to child molestation, incest, and beastiality, like Santorum did.
John Huntsman and Tim Pawlenty = NY Giants and Atlanta Falcons: Pawlenty and Huntsman both seem to be reasonable moderate candidates with strong credentials. Solid across the board. Both the Giants and the Falcons have solid coaching, good quarterbacks, good running games, and decent defenses. Yet chances are they’ll come up short. Just like neither Pawlenty, who dropped out of the race long ago, or Huntsman have a shot at the GOP nomination.
Ron Paul = Detroit Lions: Sometimes Ron Paul makes a whole lot of sense, like when talking foreign policy for example. Other times, you think, “I better stock up on canned goods and weapons because if this guy ran the country, he would dissolve all government and we’d live in complete anarchy.” The Lions have that quality as a team as well, led by their defensive star Ndamukong Suh. Suh is either being the most philanthropic athlete in all of pro sports, or he’s cheaply stomping the hell out of your quarterback on his way to being the dirtiest player in the league.
Rick Perry = New York Jets:Wait, the Jets aren’t in the playoffs?! Exactly. Just like Perry isn’t in the race. Despite winning the media hype battles early in their respective seasons, both Perry and the Jets proved to be nothing more than that… hype.
- While some teams are beating each other up, Brady lurks, on his scooter
Herman Cain = Pittsburgh Steelers: There are a lot of similarities between Herman Cain and Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Actually there aren’t. Only one similarity I can think of. Allegations of sexual harassment and/or assault. Cain, like the Steelers, was a front-runner a few months back, but both have been derailed, Cain by his infidelity and the Steelers by injury.
Mitt Romney = Baltimore Ravens: Every Presidential election year, Mitt Romney is a candidate. But he never wins, and nobody really even wants to see him play. The Ravens are always in the mix, but they never quite have what it takes. More so than the team, Romney resembles Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco. Who is he? What does he stand for? Can he really lead the team/nation to the promised land? Why is he so boring to watch?
Newt Gingrich = San Fransisco 49ers: It’s 1994 right? The 49ers are winning Super Bowls and Newt Gingrich is the most powerful man in all Republican Politics. Oh wait, it’s actually 2012. Neither stand a chance, though they have both made somewhat improbable runs this season to get where they are.
Michelle Bachmann = Cincinnatti Bengals and Houston Texans: These teams are irrelevant. So is Bachmann.
That leaves us with the New Orleans Saints. They don’t really fit with any particular candidate, as they actually have a chance to win it all, and therefore are only comparable to Romney and Obama. But unlike Obama they don’t have a bye, and unlike Romney, they have a personality and are fun to watch. Plus, after the last Republican President hung the city of New Orleans out to dry (or rather drown) after Hurricane Katrina, I can’t in good faith compare the Saints to any republicans.
What do you all think?